10 things I'm afraid of

dying without fulfilling my life purpose - 1
losing a loved one - 2
having a loved one get a serious illness - 3
myself getting a serious disease or illness - 4
rejection - 5
failure - 6
spiders - 7
heights - 8
being vulnerable - 9
looking stupid - 10
what other people think - 11
making a fool of myself - 12

The thing I am most afraid of right now is what other people think. I dont even know why b ut its been this way for a long time now. i am so afraid that lots of times i just wont say anything, i am afraid to approach pepople cause i m thinking what if they think im fat or ugly or idk what else and i am afraid of how i will act, i would rather i guess them think i am quiet and weird than get to know me and know for sure that they don't like me. i dont know why but i have such a huge fear of people not liking me and it doesnt seem to be going away. it affects every aspect of my life, job, school, what little social li\fe i havbe. My doctor says I have social anxiety disorder and i hate it. I take anxiety meds and it might help some in some situations but not all the time i dont thinnk and not in all situations. i dont know what is wrong with me and i really dont kknow how to fix it either. and I haven't taken my meds in a long time either.

To myself aw a 10 year old child,

dont be shy. dont be afraid to take chances. life is far too short to spend it alone. tell the truth, dont lie, dont fabricate storiew, dont worry so much about trying to impress people. have fun, enjoy people, dont worry about being the perfect child. in some ways i was a perfect child, never cried that much, was quite, polite, mature, shy.. now i am still that way, i tried so hard to be better than everyone else. don't be like that. it's not worth it. don't ever be afraid to speak. don't ever be afraid to say whats on your mind. and stick to your values. one of the most painful things in the world ive learned is regret. you don't want to live with regrets. do your best in school,. don't be lazy and not do your hommwork. I am doing great in college now, I'm getting an a in my class and on all my tests and assignments, I wish i had done it back in high shcool and middle school and elementary school. be out going, be adventurous, try your best in everything you do, don't hold back anything. don't pretend your not good at something just to fit in with a certain group of kids. that is stupid. smile all the time. it is good for you and good for everyone else too. don't be afraid to live, live everyday to the fullest. go after your dreams, take care of your self. practice piano and violin and guitar and stick with it. So in later years when you have the opportunity to sing and play with different bands you will be able to do it. Go to college for music if thats what you want to do. Don't listen to anyone who tells you you're not good enough. Smile every time you perform and really enjoy it and don't be afraid to let other people see that joy, and don't be afraid to dance. Treat your brother with kindness and respect. Dont call him names. Be there for him, be his best friend cause there may come a day when you really need him. Stay in touch with your friends, dont stab any of them in the back. Be happy and outgoing and social with everyone you meet. There is no reason to feel inferior, the more you allow yourself to feel that way the more it will be engrained into who you are. Stay pure til your married. You will be very thankful later, and save yourself a whole lot of pain and regret. DONT LIE. I can't stress that enough. Don't make up stories, especially to the ones you care about the most. Pray all the time.. pray continuously. always look for the good in people. Get to know everyone, no matter who they are.. cause there will be a day when you; don't have that opportunity anymore. You need to be around people. There is no reason to hide or to be ashamed of who you are. Go out and enjoy yourself. Make lots of friends. Especially when you're in school, enjoy those years, ane create as many friendships as you ccan. Don't be afraid to speak up in class. Do the very best you can, on whatever task you are assigned, even if you don't think you can, always try your best. Be happy. Happiness is a choice, and you can choose to be happy no matter what is going on in your life.

I want to be free
i want to just say whatever iz in my hed
not worry about censoring myself
not worry about what other people think
just be myslef
whoever that might be
i dont know anymore
what i see when i look at the girl in the mirror
she is so different so far from who i want to be, who i ever thought i would be
in some way
i wish i could be someone else sometimes
to feel whayt its like to not feel like there is a chain around you
that tightens every time you speak
why do i care so much about what e=other people think
why do i have to be perfect
i feel so alone
im so sick of it
s osick

Absolutely I am depressed today. Because it is snowing, I am sick, I am at home by myself, I feel fat and lazy I miss my boyfriend and everyone really. Clearly I am doing something wrong. Dad yelled at my brother today and threatened to kick him out of the house. Exactly what happened I don't know but he was yelling and slamming things around and swearing. Feeling down seems to be my usual mood as of lately. Going to take my meds now. Haven't been taking them but I think if I do it might help. I really hope it does. Just two kinds I take, one for depression and one for anxiety. K I am going downstairs now to get a drink and maybe some food so I can take them, unless my dad is here then I will probably go back upstairs I don't really want to deal with the situation write now. Later I was hoping to maybe go out somewhere or at least see my bf but it looks like he is sick too so I am stuck here, and soon my mom is going out so it will just be my here and my dad cause I doubt he is going tonight. Maybe if I lived somewhere else things would be better. Not saying I won't have problems cause I know I will have problems no matter where I am, but I think I could use a fresh start somewhere. Over inn a different state maybe, at least a different house. Parents are making me crazy.to Quote my dad he told my brother today that he would knock him the fuck out, and that all he does is smoke weed and sit on his ass and that if he loves him but if he didn't start doing something that he would bag up his stuff and throw him out. Really I am surprised it didn't happen before now. So that is my day today... I wish I had the energy to get dressed and go out and do something. Totally sore today too from my workout yesterday. Unless I start taking good care of myself I don't think I am going to be able to do this workout program, I am so sore and tired and I only did just one set on each machine. Weekly I am supposed to be going three times a week now, that is going to be challenging. eXactly what weight I am I don't know but probably like 120, thats 20 pounds up from my lowest weight last summer. Yup it is getting really sad. my loraZepam hopefully will start working for me, I vow that I will start taking care of myself, I can't do this stupid no carb diet they want me to but I am going to start eating healthy and drinking water and getting proper nutrients and sleep and getting ready in the morning like with my contacts and do my hair and makeup and nice clothes and start giving a shit about myself I think that will really help with my depression.